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“I swear on my life that I didn’t do it” said the man withthe gun, standing beside the man lying on the ground with a bullet hole in hishead, who was obviously dead. The man with the gun knew it was a bad idea toswear on your life (he had learnt that from past experiences). You should neverswear on your own life. It’s OK to swear on, for example, you’re leastfavourite aunties’ life because you don’t really care about her. But on yourown life which you do care about, is always a bad idea especially if the thingyou’re swearing your life on is a bad idea to swear your life on. If forinstance, you swore on your life that one day you would repay your best matesfiver. That’s OK. But swearing on your life that you didn’t kill someone whenyou did is a bad idea and well to be honest, killing someone is a bad idea, butif you ever do kill someone I would advise that you don’t swear on your lifethat you didn’t kill this certain somebody. This might be getting a littleconfusing so I think we should get on with the story.
Excuse me for a moment but I think I need to sit down for alittle bit, that was all quite overwhelming….. Right, where was I? Oh yes, onwith the story.
It all started many years ago in a galaxy far fa……… oh rightthe other story... gotcha. Well this story starts a few years ago when a man,named Steve, tripped over. Well I know what you’re thinking… oh he trippedover, very exciting, I think I’m going to have a heart attack* from the immensetension, but you see the problem was that he hadn’t just tripped over his feet,he had tripped over a person. Now you’re thinking, why is Steve going aroundtripping over people, and I’ll tell you, he hadn’t seen this person due to thefact this person was lying on the floor looking hopeless and not moving. SoSteve decided to step over him, and well the person moved therefore Stevetripped over (the person). I am now going to continue this sorry in anothertense than this one (I seem to have forgotten all the English lessons)
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Steve rubbed his head while thinking about the person whotripped him over. This was a very odd thing because Steve didn’t “do”multitasking even in the simplest forms (which is why he is always late butthat doesn’t really matter). He turned to face the person who had now sat upand seemed to be looking around bewildered but not paying any attention toSteve. Steve was the sort of person who liked attention so was quite annoyed bythis fact but more annoyed that man was not apologising. Steve coughed a light“excuse me, look at me, I’m over here” cough which was returned by silence. Ohhow Steve hated silence almost as much as he hated Justin Bieber, rap, Brusselssprouts and walking. He mainly hated awkward silences in which he wouldnormally panic and stick out his fist and shout “AWKWARD ROCK” which was oftengreeted by odd looks and people shuffling quickly away. But silence was badenough so he stood up and started to walk away. He heard a murmur behind himand stopped, then turned around to face the person. The persons face lookeddistorted as if he was trying to say something and soon he spoke.
“HEY, don’t I know you?” The person spat as if he it was thefirst time he’d spoke in months.
“Ummmm……..” Was all Steve could say. He was shocked by thefact that the person had talked let alone said something like that! After allSteve had never been to Liverpool before.
“Hey” the person said a little less raspy this time “I knowyou”
“I really think you don’t” Steve hurried out of his mouthwhile planning his escape. The man looked dangerous. (Although Steve didn’trealise it but this was quite remarkable, two bits of multitasking within aminute).
“Wait….. You’re the guy who ran away with my ex-wife” Theperson said with sudden realisation. His head turned to glare at Steve. Steve,who was completely innocent, began stutter some words treading carefullybackwards as the person stood up moved slowly towards Steve who by then hadnever been so worried in his life (except for the time he had accidentally puttoo much sugar in his boss’s tea and the boss had, had a hissy fit and startedscreaming)
“Um… I don’t recall running awaywith anyone’s wife” Steve nervously chuckled trying to put some light on thesituation. It only made it worse.
“Don’t you try and laugh it allaway” the person threatened “I’m deadly serious, and I can prove it to you” Theman reached to a bag on the grown (which Steve hadn’t noticed before) andpulled out a gun. It wasn’t a very special gun but it was a gun all the same.
“Err…… yes….um….. Deadly serious”Steve was VERY nervous by now “but I do believe there has been some… well….Misunderstanding…”
“Misunderstanding… BAH! I knowwho you are, your Steve Johnson, the guy who ran away with my wife, I meanex-wife. Well I will never forget your name Steve Johnson”
“Well, actually my names SteveThompson…”
“Meh…. Same thing”
“But you just said you wouldnever forget the name”
“And I won’t, Steve Thompson, seeI remembered”
“But you didn’t remember before”
“But you didn’t remember before”
“So you’re saying you admit torunning away with my wife”
“What? No…. I mean….. Huh”
“I knew it” The person saidcompletely ignoring Steve. “Now give me my wife back” He said raising the gun“or you’ll pay”
“Ah”
“What you’re saying you can’tgive her back ‘cause then your defiantly gonna pay”
He raised the gun and pulled thetrigger. Oddly, Steve had the song “Russian Roulette” By Rhianna in his head.The bit that stuck out the most was “so just pull the trigger”. Steve wasdesperately trying to get that thought out of his head. He did NOT want thatthe happen but sadly, I did.
There was a loud bang and theperson released the trigger. At that moment in time Steve was thinking abouthow this was remarkably like an action film…. Although he didn’t feel like itwas. When he heard the shot Steve thought that he saw his life flash before hiseyes but he didn’t, it was actually the movie he watched last night. Then Stevethought he felt a sharp pain in his chest…. But well…
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DAMMITTT STUPIDBLANKS I SWEAR ON MY LIFE THAT I PUT BULLETS IN THE GUNAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” The person screamed in anger. There isanother semi-classic example of the phrase “I swear on my life” advisable notto say it, I inform you once again and most likely not for the last time!
Steve looked down at where hishad clutched his chest but felt no pain and gasped; the person had only firedblanks. Steve could jump for joy but, boys being boys, decided to try and stay“cool”. So far he wasn’t doing too well in that factor.
“Um… excuse me…” Steve was tryingto think of a name to call the person. Seeing as he had a gun he settled on“Sir. I think there’s been a mistake…. Sir. I’ve never run away with anyone’s wife let alone yours”
The person was not paying anyattention to Steve. He was only interested in shouting insults at his gun.
“Excuse me Sir…. Umm… Sir” Stevesighed. Some more multi-tasking was going on inside his head, he was having adebate with himself wherever he should leg it out the alley or stay and seewhat happens. The majority voted to “leg it” but a tiny, tiny long forgottenpart of his brain, the “adventure” part of his brain, voted to stay. The restof the brain wasn’t happy about this.
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WOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH THAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTSSSS A LOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT OF WRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITINGGGGGG!!!!!!
Vita xx
